Of course there is more, much more, but this is the core of it all.  I just wanted to share it with you. I did post it on my CFG FB as will, mostly because it deals with life story and healing (and depression). These are elements I am encouraging people to share in order to heal. I am still learning how to share and heal too…

Here goes….

The Script:

“no one will pay me to be a filmmaker or actor”.

The Story, realization & manifestation:

From when I was young, I wanted to be an actor, but I was too pudgy and too shy. I had a big break my last year in school, a community play, where I got the lead role, got lost in the part and got the audience’s love, but didn’t know where to go from that point, I was in a bit of ‘dream-shock’ you might say.

Right after the high school play at christmas, and starting to fill out applications for university, I was literally sick – my body shut down for the whole last half of the year – I went from being considered for the graduating class valedictorian to barely getting out of bed in the morning. I didn’t really know why – I was too young to understand what depression was, especially under the guise of mono-like symptoms.

7 years later, I did end up committing to fulltime acting training, focusing on feature film and TV, while holding down a fulltime job in Engineering. Again, I shocked myself and others after 2 years of hard, dedicated work to my acting craft, but didn’t know how to take it from class to gig. I lived in a city where film work was limited and when I moved to a city that did, Vancouver, there was a US/Canada writer’s strike, no filming was done during the strike, casting directors loved me, but there was nothing to cast during that time.

I went home after a few months, broke and back to the old fulltime Engineering job and no acting gigs. So I decided to make my own acting gigs, wrote a script, bought the camera and edit system, cast myself out of the feature film lead role in order to direct and ‘protect the story’ – funding it all by working in Engineering. All the while, “PAYING TO PLAY” as a filmmaker, writer, actor – not “being paid to play”. I guess I was told at that young age, that ARTISTS STARVE, so I should focus on a career that would make money instead. I guess, I believed what I was told.

It’s been 7 years since buying the camera and shifting from pursuing acting into independent filmmaking, and if you’ve been following me here and/or on Facebook, you know a ton of things have happened in that 7 years both in my film world and my personal world. And YES, my INVISIBLE SCRIPTS have been haunting me the whole way.

Now, I am just entering into post production (editing) on my first feature film and I am unable to personally fund this last stage at this point. My options are going back to the Engineering job to make money to pay to finish my film or put a proposal in for crowdsource financing via Kickstarter. On the acting front, I’m now 38, a little old, but ready to dust off the chops, get the headshots redone. I’ve booked my first read through for a friend’s first feature film. It’s non-paying and just a sit down read through for the writer to see how it sounds/looks off the page, but it’s a start. I guess I need to believe I can bring value to a story, a creative vision and an audience’s experience – enough so that someone somewhere will drop a dollar or two in my hat.

I have battled with these scripts ever since high school, and not really believing in myself or my talents, “artists don’t make money”, “why you over the other talented people”, “you’re too ambitious”.

I have been depressed / searching for a ‘way out’ of this script and a ‘way into’ the one I dream of ever since.

I think I am starting to live the dream…

-SherpaGuru, Shawna

This entry was inspired by, Ramit Sethi

…and his “How to overcome Fear by the 5 minute straight jacket technique” via his “Find a Dream Job” private list, via http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/insiders-kit/dreamjob/

I prayed to the grandfathers as they approached from the west
Sand in my fingers and hope in my heart
Answers for guidance and direction yet found
I openly prayed for peace for myself and peace surrounding

I secretly prayed to be done
To be nodded off to that wild beach that calls from inside my heart

Thunder looked me in the eye and studied my face
It knew I wasn’t strong enough to go alone
He took my spirit in his and walked me into my sacred place
He followed me with his words until he heard the silence i was hiding inside
His eyes dropped my breath and I exhaled a gentle wind the elders descended

They took my hand in theirs and prayed to release
thunder spoke my secret I shuttered
Not in fear in freedom
I shuddered with guilt responsibility assumed.

Sadness heavy a dream apart from known.

Thunder lifted my wings
West lifted my darkness
Path cleared before me
Destination once now forever unknown.

Prayers answered faith in journey.

Joy not knowing tests past.

This peace spoke of rests in wild
Where the sun touches the waters
Where the waters greet the sands
Where the sands warm spirit
Where spirit rise above – or so it seems.

-Shawna Cox, Oct 31 2011

And between you and me… I always book the window seat on a plane. I only now, ‘right now’, understand why.

-Shawna

I didn’t know I
miss this space
this place

I’ve forgotten
until now found
again remembering

I

feel breath

something in

me

knows thrill
for it love
of it lost

breathes with me

owns me

again

And I ask
From this space remembered
This place found again.

Am I

-Shawna Cox
Oct 6 2010

Think Jason Bourne – but Shawna Bourne – ok, not quite THAT on the verge of assassination, but definitely on mission critical. I can’t tell you exactly WHY I am doing this – it’s secret. I can’t tell you WHAT I am doing – I signed an NDA.

Best of all, I’m not getting shot at – my other option was Afghanistan. My mom was against that one.

I am sitting for lunch at an ocean side  Hotel and I feel like I am in the middle of MIPCOM in Cannes, France – or any other major international film market or festival for that matter… Official badges (dog tags with bar codes), sign-in desks, special bus stops, special buses, special visitor info signage, red carpets, color coded volunteers, the list goes on and the event hasn’t even started.

I am not in Cannes, I am in Vancouver, Canada and today is the official first day of the 2010 Olympic city lockdown and, well, to be honest, I’m not really sitting for “lunch” – I am just sitting over the lunch hour and indulging in a crisp glass of water. Ha, I know what you’re thinking, “cheapo” – ok, that’s what I was thinking but it did take everything in me NOT to order my signature tall glass of amazing Argentinian Malbec to toast off all the international media arriving today.

Glass of water = $0 and I pre-ordered my lunch to go to eat later. My new ‘not eating or drinking’ during ANY meetings in cafes OR restaurants OR lounges OR airports OR planes OR…

To sum it up, NO multi-tasking. Focus 100% on one thing at a time and since I am choosing to engage in lunch meetings / adventures, “Sans water d’Argentina *wink* and a doggie bag to go, please” is my new policy. Everyone thinks I’m staying in the hotel – or perhaps, meeting someone in the hotel. What do I do again? Haha.

So, it’s my new thing WHICH is a little awkward as I still gravitate to cozy relaxing lounges to whittle away that oh so precious time, in true Draconian working population stylesk, doing the quick and dirty feed deed – except I will feed later and get the deed of business done  now – chow can be consumed later in the sanctity of the cube (‘cubicle’ for those of you not so hip to the office).

I need my cubicle job. My recent film project sent me kicking and screaming through 2008, a year long denial from bankruptcy and an even deeper  denial through the deserts of Morocco, Libya and Tunisia chasing a dream turned day AND nightmare. I finally resurfaced last spring, 2009, on the shores of Marseille, France. Exhausted, burnt out and with my pride washed out, I filed my bankruptcy papers from the Hotel where my American Express sighed just as it was cancelled.

I filed bankruptcy from France just in case the Canadian government would confiscate my passport and thwart my absolute dependence on international travel for my emotional well being / sanity.

Back to 2010 – iPhone at my side, my trusty reminder of which world I am in today. I am not in a foreign country, chasing my latest adventure. I am in Vancouver, Canada and on a 60 minute mini-escape from cubicle world. I am Canadian Film Girl for exactly 60 minutes or I “will be fired”.

I don’t fit in, in cubicle world.

SO, nothing like an international sporting event – ok, the biggest sporting event in the world – to get you out of a way too long funk.

Some history: more than 15 years ago, I was training full time for the Olympics. Cross-country Mountain Biking had just been announced to become a new demo sport in the WAY TOO LONG AGO Olympics. Odd to be sitting here years later, another Canadian winter Olympics about to be notched onto my bed post – Summer Olympics, a distant celebrity crush in my dreams. Summer is my season, just a regular summer – any old beach and campfire summer, is still half a year away today…

So, again, this media and sport mix. I barely survived the whole last three years chasing the elusive Dakar Rally around the globe for my film. Can I get myself up and launch out of this final month of my bankruptcy terms on an Olympics Gold-like high? Maybe. I have a little help this time to align my ‘hit and miss home grown philosophy’ so, I think the answer to that question is a “yes”.

I won’t be monitoring heart rate, recovery rate, resting rate. I won’t be swimming in lactic acid or riding the adrenalin pre-race rush. No flat tires, broken chains, maxed out brake pads (I was pre-disk brake era – JUST dated myself – haha!)

So, back to Jason Bourne – I change my perspective, not my locale. I don’t need to move to another country to have the traveller rush, Gastown is pretty damn cool – pubs, cafes, architecture, cobblestone streets. I already have an amazing historic brick loft as my film office / bachelorette crash pad. Add hoards of international pedestrians descending and taking ownership of the streets I stroll through and the stools I perch on.

So, international travel came to me this time. I am locking out my reality, spinning it around a bit, imposing “I have just landed in a cool coastal Canadian city, about to play host to the largest sporting and media event in the world.” Media and sport appear to be two of my favourite things, I guess, if my past trailblazing reveals any telling stories about my deep psychological desires – it screams them all loud and clear. So, Olympic lock down it is and I am ESCAPING inside the perimeter. Ok, so, I guess it is really a reverse escape but an escape none the less.

So, PRESTO CHANGO, goodbye friends, family and daily routines – I’ll send you a post card from Canada.

But I will let you in on my take of it all – being on this ‘other side’ of reality. We will see just how far this ‘shift in perspective’ will have on my system – maybe, just maybe – I won’t want to shift back out. Maybe there will be no going back, no reversal. Maybe, 4th gear wide open will be my only ‘NEXT MOVE’.

It’s 2010, February 4th and all Olympic rules just came into effect. Military style policing and international event style security measures. All this means to me, is that one just has to be a little more creative and a little more covert. Sounds like fun to me.

Welcome to my new reality. 2010 is going to be an interesting year.

XO / CFG

Funny, I am labeled a mid level producer, but I feel like I haven’t earned it yet. Same old same old – some times success isn’t material – isn’t something you can show. Success is movement, steps, stages. No one will ever know what you have done to get there, so be gentle with yourself and give the same credit to yourself that you observe in others… You are well on your way.
Learning to give a ‘day’s’ win a place in your heart without the need for a prize – this is all you need to make what you dream a reality.
This I am working to remember. I moved pretty quickly the last few years and never looked back OR even gave myself the time to see where I even was at the moment! I am only now, looking back and saying “holy shit woman… No wonder you are so tired and no wonder people are asking you ‘how?’

So, back to the advice…

#1. fall in love with your vision – it and you are what will carry you through

#2. take good care and special attention to your health – there are NO execptions to this

#3. find people like you – a moment or a life long friendship… These people will be the shelter, food and warmth to enjoy those ‘daily wins’…

Warmth and Dreams;  a whole New Year…

New Years Eve 2009

Shawna

Some behind the scenes photos:  CLICK HERE FOR FULL SET

Here’s the script for the scene with lead in and out, page 53-56:

33 33

INT. DELI/CAFE ‘BEAN HERE’, SEATTLE – MORNING

A small, very New York deli/cafe – large oversized Paris

posters, tables, stools.  A man clicks away on his laptop.  A

couple are engrossed in conversation.

The Barista steams drinks as Mark disappears around the back.

A phone rings that ‘funky dance tune’ – Mark’s phone on the

table.  It rings, defaults to ring-vibrate – jumps all over

the table, rings even louder.

Laptop guy looks up – exasperated.  The couple turn and look -

annoyed.

Sera grabs the phone, flips it – call instantly connects.

SERA

(to self)

Oh, damn.

Silence.

DANA (CELL)

Hello?  Hello, Mark?

Sera reluctantly pulls the cell to her ear.

SERA

(to cell)

Hello?

Long Pause.

SERA

(to cell)

Mark’s not here right now.  Can I

take a message?

DANA (CELL)

It’s Dana, his fiance.  You are?

SERA

(to cell)

Ah…  Sera?

The phone drops from Sera’s ear – she is instantly solemn.

34

INT. SERA’S CONDO/LIVING ROOM – DAY (FLASHBACK)

Lucas on the phone, boxers with golf clubs, T-shirt -

searches a bookshelf.  The ‘make-shift office’ is littered

with Sera’s work – space where the laptop usually is.

LUCAS

(to phone)

Black notebook?

SERA (PHONE)

There’ll be a group of them – the

one on the far right -  sketches

inside.

Lucas runs his finger over seven black notebooks on the

shelf, locates the farthest right.

LUCAS

(to phone)

Yeah, got it.

Lucas pulls out the one on the far right.

SERA (PHONE)

If that’s not it, just make your

way to the left, K?

LUCAS

(to phone)

Alright.  I’ll have it ready!

SERA (PHONE)

In 5!

Lucas hangs up, leafs the first couple pages – stops, smiles

as he sits, reads intently.

He turns solemn, agitated – looks to the door, lock turns.

Sera bursts in, beaming.

SERA

You should see the storyboards!

Find it?

LUCAS

Why did you want me to read this?

SERA

What?

LUCAS

This your way of telling me.

SERA

What?

LUCAS

You’re seeing him.

SERA

No Lucas, I’m not.

LUCAS

Sure, yeah.  You can tell me.

SERA

Tell you what?

Lucas throws the book at her feet – she looks to it, to

Lucas, picks it up.  She opens it, face drops.

SERA

How much did you read?

LUCAS

Right book, wrong guy.

SERA

I have to find that book.  They’re

waiting for me.  I don’t know why

you read it – it was personal.

She goes to the bookcase, grabs the right notebook.

LUCAS

You said it was that book.

She hesitates, grabs two more from the shelf, walks out with

the books in her arms.

LUCAS

This isn’t right.

SERA

Yeah, what you did was wrong.

Sera leaves, never looking back – door closes behind her.

Lucas looks at the door – walks to the bookshelf, pulls out

all the black notebooks.

54 54

INT. DELI/CAFE ‘BEAN HERE’, SEATTLE – MORNING

Mark is nowhere to be seen, Sera sits at the computer – she’s

composed an email to Lucas.

EMAIL

(text on screen)

“Hi, been busy, decided to stay an

extra day – waiting for Peter to

make up his mind.  Let’s meet for

dinner when I get back – we should

talk”.

MARK (O.C.)

(suddenly)

Latte!

Mark snaps off a series of pics of Sera’s reactions.

SERA

Jesus!

Sera nearly falls out of her seat.

MARK

I think we’re even now.

Mark reads the screen – Sera quickly closes the email.

SERA

Caffeine quota!

Sera watches Mark walk to the table, assesses him, caution

replaces her spunky demeanor – Mark is oblivious.

MARK

It’s Decaf.

He sits, looks to her just as she looks away.

SERA

Decaf isn’t good for you.

MARK

Live in New York and the smog isn’t

that great for one either, but hey,

you’re welcome – Now drink it.

She looks to Mark.

SERA

I love New York.

Silence.  They both take the other in – Mark looks away.

MARK

New storyboards?

She leaves the net, sits with Mark – avoids eye contact.

SERA

No – just the old ones.  Peter’s

waiting, I’m stalling.  No mail, no

calls – no one.

I am anxiously awaiting the fate of my great little story as it now stands up against the GREAT BIG WORLD of IMAX.

A few months ago, I had put a call in to ASO, the Dakar Rally’s organizing body.  I was informed that IMAX had signed the theatrical rights for the 2010 Dakar Rally, but it was confirmed that the broadcast rights were still available for my 2010 Dakar documentary which focuses on Mark Miller’s drive to win the 2010 Dakar Rally.  So, I proceeded with seeking co-production partners and financing.

2 weeks ago, I was engaged in discussions with a producer of the 2010 Dakar Rally IMAX.  I initially called thinking I was extending a greeting, offering support or advice to their production:

“We may be going in as two separate production camps, but when the rally gets going it’s mass chaos and the the nature of rally culture is to look out for one another – even if you are on separate teams,” I chirped.

Well, the results of that conversation were a little more than eye opening.  Good and bad news…

Bad news first.  In their understanding, our storylines conflicted and mine would violate the agreement/licensing contract they signed with ASO back in 2008.

Translation: no 2010 documentary for me.

Good news: IMAX would try to find a spot for me on their crew…  IF they could fit me in this late in the game.

Today, I just put a call in to ASO to confirm where my project stands up against the 2010 Dakar Rally IMAX production contract.  Email is waiting in their inbox…

Either way – I just want Mark Miller’s story documented.  One day, 3 years ago, Mark told me a little story about the Dakar, and it wasn’t the rally he talked about…

There was something else – something so powerful.  Something that would inspire more than a winning title.  It is this story I hope reaches an audience the same way it reached me.  It reached inside me and inspired me to dream – dream a little bigger and never quit.

I also met a few other racers over these past 3 years, whose stories also shifted me, moved me.  One namely, another North American, Jonah Street, who I have also set under my documentary’s wing.

I shall know in the next 24-48 hours how much life is left in my own Dakar Rally dream, my documentary – but I hope in the end, regardless of outcome, that if it isn’t me to carry Mark’s story – I only hope that someone does.

It’s a great story and I can’t wait to see how the end is written – I hope someone is there to capture the core moments.

It’s gonna be a hell of a ride – the ride of a lifetime.  I guess only time will tell what happens between IMAX, ASO and me.

x-fingers.

-Shawna

Ragged from time, experiences beyond this place – safe, on this path.

In the first time beyond my knowing, I feel a haven – ahead what must only be home.

I lift within thoughts, who await my return – float on beauty, anticipate wisdom to seal fate.

Destiny has walked with me.

Love whispered to me, bound me, bewitched me.

Before me, light walks darkness – I traveled blind.

There are no words, only of light – darkness of destiny.

There is feeling, a return.

I am coming home - I once, and never have known.

~Shawna Cox, 2009

Entry 001 CFilmGirl: Fate, LOST TV and a little Tale to tell.

I feel like a covert operative most days, in reality I am just a film girl who just can’t stop getting on the plane.  There is no one else who is willing or able to keep up with my adventures other than at my side via Twitter and FaceBook. I am a solo filmmaker / traveler (which means I am the producer, director, writer, camera operator, sherpa, self-guide, bad-translator, travel-advisor with a break-the-budget love of late night wine, local yums and cool-unique sleeps).

The line has long been blurred between a story I was chasing and the story I am now shaping so I can keep on ‘chasing’. Cradling my MacBook Pro, in Air Canada Exec class (Aeroplan points) on a direct flight from Calgary, Canada to San Diego, USA, checking out my latest tweet on my iPhone (ok – I have a few/many sanity/insanity tools/tricks to travel).

CFilmGirl: Missed Banff TV Fest but hit Exec Prod / Director of #Lost “did you write it with the end in mind?” haha http://yfrog.com/5cn6ej

I jump over to FaceBook to see if Twitter auto updated my status, upload and tag myself on the same photo I tweeted.  

I always feel like I don’t have enough time to ‘tweet’ let alone eat, I don’t even know if I ‘hashed’ properly (not talking weed or pot here) but sharing these updates and nuggets of travel and film makes me feel a bit less guilty about this pseudo lifestyle and leaving my loved ones behind… most of the time. There is still the guilty pleasure of disappearing – going ‘off grid’ and THAT is the freedom of going solo.  The choice to share VS to have a secret moment.  In the end, I am the only one in the conversation “what happens on a solo trip – stays on a solo trip…”

Going solo, like going to a party solo (one note here…  I am shy & single) gives you the time to experience everything around you in a completely different way.  Much like a writer or a director, you become immersed in a world and have a heightened, focused experience that we yearn for in many aspects of our lives but rarely are able to achieve.  For some they find it via adrenalin, drugs or even rock and roll – for me, it’s travel and I am a bit different person when I step out of my life and into a solo experience without any of regular daily life’s gauges, labels or distractions.  But I am preaching to the converted and hope to convert a few of my shy and curious peeping toms that I know have been watching with a longing curiosity.

Back to me and Jack Bender, mastermind behind ‘Lost’, arm in arm in the Calgary Airport. A happen-chance meeting while in line at the USA customs began with a simple comment about a photo mural hanging overhead to kill time directed to no one in particular…  “Mount Rushmore – I don’t care to go”.  I bit the bait, answering “I think I was there when I was young. I think I was sick – I think maybe it dreamt I was there”. A Kiwi solo traveler piped up “who’s the guy with the mustache?” We all shared a short trivia moment, killing time.  

Jack was there for the Banff Festival, which I couldn’t afford to attend.  Funny cause he was the only person I would have wanted to meet at the festival if I could have gone.  Funny, cause I don’t even watch Lost.  Funny cause he was standing right there, solo and we naturally lead into conversation.  This is what we call in the media industry a ‘slow pitch’ environment.  Outside the industry, I call this a ‘slow experience’.  Others call it FATE and fate doesn’t happen if you are not open and AVAILABLE (like dating) to new experiences.

Maybe you’ve heard of ‘slow foods’ dining where instead of the typical fast-food choke-it-chow-it down-get-the-’F’-out-of-here race, a meal could last 4 hours or longer into the night and is typically shared with a larger group, turning a meal into a shared experience. 

Well, I collect ‘slow experiences’. I don’t expect something to happen at first point of contact, I don’t hit the typical tourist sight or follow an itinerary.  I shoot the same way – I don’t have a shot list, I don’t have a set cast of characters – I wake up, start moving and I let a story guide me. When I am solo, a voice seems to call out softly, demurely and it playfully beckons me to follow it.  It’s not long until I am under it’s spell, like a new  romantic interest. It grows into an intimate and at times even sensuous experience but it never fails to develop into a deeply honest and revealing journey – both for myself as a filmaker and as a human being.   

There is something uniquely beautiful to be surrounded by so many undiscovered locations, cultures, characters, behaviors and story-lines.  Traveling and shooting solo, void of negotiations, justification only instinct and whims.  Yes, there are times of danger, extreme risk and emotion but even though I am solo, I have learned to reach out wherever I am and ask for help and guidance to those who ‘happen’ to be at my side at that moment.  Places do not seem so foreign when you can be one on one, face to face with strangers and has never failed for a friend to show up just when I needed one most – I just didn’t know they were a friend until they said ‘hello’.  

It’s a shift from “who is at my side and needing someone there right from the beginning” to “I am beginning and I wonder who will grace my journey along the way”.  With that shift and a little faith and patience on my part, the world around me opened my eyes and allowed me to keep my wits about me when surrounded by the strangest of languages and in the deepest recesses of the desert.  I now truly don’t feel that traveling solo translates to traveling alone.

Through my journey, I also recently came to understand that the world bears a strong and mischievous sense of humor.  I now take each victory and each fall in stride with a crooked grin of my own as if I secretly immersed in a game of practical jokes, witty tests and a never-ending treasure hunt with a storyteller much larger than myself.  Someone, something out there is scripting a grand adventure of which I am unable to uncast myself from.  I faithfully listen to the whispered words on the wind and just keep on trekking towards the next bump or fork in the road. Taking it all in stride as I travel to gather a better understanding of my place in the world and fill an unquenchable curiosity of the world and it’s mysteries, romances, dramas, adventures, comedies and hopefully not to many more horror or war stories… 

What better way to discover the next amazing story than to step out of the known and explore solo, your own amazing unknown, yet to be discovered life.  You never know where you may end up and who you may friend along the way.

Happy Tales to you – until we meet…  

A quick note on attraction cause I am always asked what qualities I look for in a partner (dating, working or traveling).  I always pick ‘personality’ which I define as personal behaviour shaped by personal experience.  I always hit the ball into their court afterwards with: “Take the time to question, explore, discover and shape your own world – inside and out.  You will stand out in my books – I will be curious and want to know more and remember, you don’t always have to go a far as you think to find some interesting answers…”

Safe Travels

Shawna

aka ‘Canadian Film Girl’